Last year I sort of fired my therapist. I say “sort of” rather than committing entirely to the concept of “firing” because I never outwardly said, “Look, we need to talk… we need to break up.” I just stopped going after dwindling on the frequency of appointments.
It wasn’t because Dr. T is not an awesome therapist. Really, he’s quite amazing. However, I started recognizing a few things about myself after the sessions. While he did an amazing job teaching James and I to communicate with one another (and really, I owe him the continuance of my marriage- we started seeing him when I told James we were THROUGH almost two years ago), I realized that I felt like my inner-self was running around in circles. My negative cycles and thought processes beyond my ability to communicate with my husband didn’t improve. I kept walking away from the therapy wondering what my goals were and how to reach them, not empowered with the tools and strength to move forward. Sometimes I felt like Dr. T’s Freudian approach was suffocating my comfort zone and ability to grow beyond some of my darkest memories.
My first therapist was quick, quiet, and got straight to the point. She really helped me delve inward to determine the roots of my pain and how to build hopes and dreams for myself. I would have stuck with her had I not moved across the country. Dr. T, my second therapist, taught me how to communicate in a positive way with James, but in the end, I felt myself constantly frustrated with my own personal progress. Sometimes, I walked away feeling much worse. And even more crappy, sometimes I walked away feeling a bit uncomfortable with the content of the sessions. I found myself dreading meeting with him.
However, as I have learned in recent years, everyone needs a little help. And from what I’ve seen, the ones who *think* they don’t need it usually need it far more than anyone else! Whether that help be from a friend or family, support group, online social network, or individual therapist really depends on the person. I have learned that I am incapable of discussing root issues with those who know me personally (aside from James and my sister) who may pose as a helpful shoulder to cry on, and that some of my inner-workings are far too knotted and complicated for me to face alone. Without guidance, I get trapped in the tangles. For me, individual therapy has been my knight in shining armor.
Last week, I found a new therapist who appeared extremely promising. Her writing and description of herself and her practice was colorful and clear and easy to follow. Her approach seemed modern, and her immediate response to my inquiry made me like her right away. I have my first appointment with her this Friday, and I am relieved to know that once again, I will have some help and direction. While I have been doing well off medication, my newfound clarity has helped me recognize some internal issues and negativity that I am unable to conquer without help, and her enthusiasm and quick inferences over the phone gave me immediate hope.
For the first time, I am actually excited about a therapy appointment. That means a lot to me. While the last three years I have struggled though my rocky past to identify problems and recognize fundamental damaging issues, I feel like I have finally committed to finding a therapist that will help me move forward beyond those old problems. First steps are often the most important.
